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Monday, May 7, 2007

So I learned something today---

I learned today that some people can take away your self worth with a sentence, even if just for a moment. Why is it that if someone that you love says something to you remotely close to critical, even if it wasn't meant that way, you can fall apart.

Today was a crappy day for me. I know I can't be the only mother that has a day like this. I have a seven year old boy that knows ALL! Neither of us are morning people and for him this morning, getting ready for school was the end of the world. Well when he is like that in the morning, no matter how I feel, my morning turns to shit. Well it just so happens that this morning I was already in a foul mood. I haven't slept much this last week, my one year old is getting his molars. I woke up with a blinding headache just above my right eye, I had cramps, and was exhausted. So when my day starts like this and then I have a seven year old spouting off words of wisdom to me on the proper way to make his lunch---I may be just a little bitchy and not have the patience that maybe I should have.

I go through the day trying to be as pulled together as I can and then this afternoon I couldn't take anymore. My seven year old was at school still thankfully but the baby was just miserable. I had done everything I could do for him. Motrin, Popsicle, frozen teether, nothing was working and he was just so damn uncomfortable and tired. I finally just put him in his crib and shut his door in the hopes that he would just fall out. As I leave his room and go to try and clean up-- because I haven't been able to put him down all day--my mother is standing and staring at me. I ask her what and her reply is " So , what, You don't like being a mom? Why don't you like your kids?" Seriously WTF? My heart dropped into my stomach. Not because for a second I didn't love my kids but that my mother doubted that I did? And even worse that she was questioning my ability to mother. At least that's what it felt like. I looked at her and just said "what the Hell?" I am fully aware that I may not do it right all the time--no one does, especially not her. But do I ever doubt that she didn't love me when I was a child because she didn't do things perfectly? NO, I don't! Really what am I supposed to think about this? In one sentence she made me doubt almost every decision I had ever made in my children's lives. I felt like the most horrible wretch of a mother. And most importantly how can one mother say that to another mother regardless of relation? I wouldn't say that to any mother unless it was a blatantly obvious fact. If I didn't love my children I wouldn't have custody of them. I have never felt so worthless as I did today because of a stupid comment made by someone that should be supportive, and then to tell me she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings when I began to cry made it all worse. How is someone supposed to internalize a question like that?

So in closing if any of you have had a similar situation arise in your lives please feel free to comment and maybe leave a word of advice. Maybe I am being crazy and selfish, you tell me.

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