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Monday, May 7, 2007

So I learned something today---

I learned today that some people can take away your self worth with a sentence, even if just for a moment. Why is it that if someone that you love says something to you remotely close to critical, even if it wasn't meant that way, you can fall apart.

Today was a crappy day for me. I know I can't be the only mother that has a day like this. I have a seven year old boy that knows ALL! Neither of us are morning people and for him this morning, getting ready for school was the end of the world. Well when he is like that in the morning, no matter how I feel, my morning turns to shit. Well it just so happens that this morning I was already in a foul mood. I haven't slept much this last week, my one year old is getting his molars. I woke up with a blinding headache just above my right eye, I had cramps, and was exhausted. So when my day starts like this and then I have a seven year old spouting off words of wisdom to me on the proper way to make his lunch---I may be just a little bitchy and not have the patience that maybe I should have.

I go through the day trying to be as pulled together as I can and then this afternoon I couldn't take anymore. My seven year old was at school still thankfully but the baby was just miserable. I had done everything I could do for him. Motrin, Popsicle, frozen teether, nothing was working and he was just so damn uncomfortable and tired. I finally just put him in his crib and shut his door in the hopes that he would just fall out. As I leave his room and go to try and clean up-- because I haven't been able to put him down all day--my mother is standing and staring at me. I ask her what and her reply is " So , what, You don't like being a mom? Why don't you like your kids?" Seriously WTF? My heart dropped into my stomach. Not because for a second I didn't love my kids but that my mother doubted that I did? And even worse that she was questioning my ability to mother. At least that's what it felt like. I looked at her and just said "what the Hell?" I am fully aware that I may not do it right all the time--no one does, especially not her. But do I ever doubt that she didn't love me when I was a child because she didn't do things perfectly? NO, I don't! Really what am I supposed to think about this? In one sentence she made me doubt almost every decision I had ever made in my children's lives. I felt like the most horrible wretch of a mother. And most importantly how can one mother say that to another mother regardless of relation? I wouldn't say that to any mother unless it was a blatantly obvious fact. If I didn't love my children I wouldn't have custody of them. I have never felt so worthless as I did today because of a stupid comment made by someone that should be supportive, and then to tell me she wasn't trying to hurt my feelings when I began to cry made it all worse. How is someone supposed to internalize a question like that?

So in closing if any of you have had a similar situation arise in your lives please feel free to comment and maybe leave a word of advice. Maybe I am being crazy and selfish, you tell me.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Dating Sites- And the freaks on them

So being recently single I make a decision to put myself out there on a free dating site. Maybe the first mistake was that it was free-lol. The first person to contact me ended up being a friend of a friend which was very weird. I hadn't seen this friend in probably ten years and new him well. I made the assumption that since the Dater(as we will call him) was a friend of my old friend he couldn't be all bad right!?! Guess again! So we talked on the phone for about two weeks and let me tell you he was a sweetheart. He called a couple times a day and we learned quite a bit about each other. Finally he asked if I wanted to do dinner. I was very excited, I thought " wow-- could this be it? Is it possible that I could meet someone first time around?"

So I met him for dinner on a Thursday night. I figured that was safe, a casual dinner and drinks and then homeward bound I would be. So he left the decision of where to go to me. I picked a place that I enjoy and he agreed. Two hours before the date he called and asked if we could go somewhere else. The Dater apparently hated the place I picked and wanted to go to his favorite place. Alright buddy, whatever, your paying.

We had dinner and a couple drinks and then it was time to go. He invited me to his house for a beer and to show me some stuff he was working on. I hadn't dated in 9 years, how was I supposed to know that this was code for---I just spent $30 whole dollars on dinner, now we must have sex. I really was shocked. Granted I am no prude and it's not like I haven't done anything stupid like this in my younger bar fly days, but really I didn't even know what to think. Here is a guy that sells himself as Mr. Respect and then turns into an ass.

So enough about that. My horrible first date experience. I have more.

I have had two good experiences from this site I am on. I made contact with one man that has been very interesting. Nothing has really prospered from it but a very nice friendship. We still have not met in person and maybe never will but I do enjoy IMing him. He is very funny and a great guy to run ideas off of. We talk about twice a week for a little bit in the evening and it makes me smile. This friendship has given me back a little of my trust in myself. I now know that I am capable of reading a profile and deciding if what he has to offer is something I may be interested in. Second good experience is somewhat surreal. I was browsing my matches and saw a profile with no picture but a very sweet headline. I read the profile, it was very short, and I knew instantly who this was. A very sweet guy that I had dated a few years back. I did not send him anything for the fear of being embarrassed in the event that I was wrong. A couple days later he sent me a note that he knew me. We have now gone on a few dates and talk regularly. I really enjoy his company and if anything I have rekindled an old friendship.

Now about the real freaks that I have found. Literally a week ago I received the nicest letter. This man(the Freak) went on in his letter about our compatibility. He quoted things from my profile. Told me why he believed we would be compatible and all the things he was looking for in a lifelong partner--because that is what he was there for. LOL So in his letter he included his email address and IM id. I added him and we began to IM. Within two minutes he asked to share photos ( which I have learned is normal, people want to see if its really you because you should have a bunch of pics on your computer) so I agreed and we began to share photos. Well low and behold as I am adding my pics to share here comes about six pics of him. The first two are normal everyday pics with his dog and stuff and then there it was. Yes, pictures of his member, manhood, little friend, whatever you choose to call it. I really didn't know what to do. I prefer to see the penis before I am about to do something with it, not two minutes after I begin a conversation with you. It makes me wonder, if I had met him in a bar would he have whipped it out two minutes in to talking? Anyways he then asked where my dirty picks were. I'm sorry I didn't know this was a prerequisite for meeting people on this site. I must have skipped that memo. I replied that I didn't have anything to share with him and even if I did have pics of that nature he did not qualify as someone I would share them with. So to make a long story short, he called me rude. I simple responded that I didn't ask to see it therefore I was not required to show. Needless to say I deleted him from my IM contacts and he still tried to contact me, Thank God for the ignore button.

So ladies and gents-- in closing these are some of my random thoughts on Internet dating.
---Don't do or say anything you wouldn't do or say in person.
---keep in mind that the person on the other end of the conversation may not appreciate pictures of you privates
---Trust your instincts-if it sounds to good to be true---well you know
---Look at each contact as a stranger and freak until they prove themselves to not be
---I believe you can find real people looking for real relationships on them- ya just gotta find em
---Maybe you need to pay on these services to find the Quality
---Be safe, Be cautious, Be yourself and maybe it can happen

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Single again!

Well here I am single again. Mother of a seven year old and one year old. Two beautiful boys. I guess you could call them typical, if running around like maniacs and destroying anything that has value is typical-lol.

So here is a little back story so you know where I am coming from.

I was with my ex for nine years. Nine very trying and confusing years. I am a self described lifer. When I make a commitment to something I do everything in my power to maintain it and make it work, whether it's a job, relationship, craft project, I just keep on trying. I won't get into to many details here about my relationship with my ex, there is plenty of time for that in the future. Let's just say that He was an ass and I was an angel. At least in my eyes that's the way it was. If you were to ask him now he would say the same. He still calls my son everyday and when I answer the first thing he does is apologize for the way it all worked out and how he treated me. It is really just to bad that it took me walking away from him with our two boys for him to figure it out. We had a very painful and emotionally disabled relationship. So no surprise that the break up was the same. I will expand on these issues in the future I am sure.

What I am doing on this site is simple. I want to leave my mark on the single society. I want to share here what I am going through in the single world. From dating to working and just trying to find a single girlfriend to go out with-since it seems that everyone on earth is now married and looking at me like a failure. I want to be a sounding board for single mothers everywhere that can't figure out how to cope. I will be sharing my experiences in a honestly blunt manner in hopes that someone else can learn from my mistakes and experience as they to begin a journey down this crazy road of balance.

Stay tuned for future posts such as:
---Dating sites-- and the freaks on them
---Looking for work and trying to convince them that you are capable
---Learning lessons on motherhood when your doing it alone

I believe I have something to say, it may not apply to all of you but hopefully everyone can gain a little insight or lesson from it.